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I Tried Nude Gardening: And Now My Neighbors Have Questions...
Paperback
Publisher: Independently Published
Published: Jun 30 2025
Pages: 34
Weight: 0.23
Height: 0.07 Width: 8.50 Depth: 11.00
Language: English
Alright, sweet cheeks, gather 'round. If you're here, you probably read The Naked Menu, survived the wing sharts, steak revelations, shrimp-induced moon dances, and you're back for more. Bless your deliciously deranged heart. Welcome to the sequel you didn't know you needed, but your nipples absolutely demanded-I Tried Nude Gardening and Now My Neighbors Have Questions...
This is the next chapter in my fully nude, slightly sticky, completely shameless lifestyle. Because after you've eaten a ribeye with your boobs out and told your boyfriend to hit the road with his poopy tighty whities, there's only one logical step left: take your naked ass to the yard and start growin' stuff.
Why?
Because grocery prices are a joke.
Because nature doesn't judge your tan lines.
Because wearing pants while digging in the dirt should be classified as cruel and unusual punishment.
And mostly because Susan dared me.
She showed up one Saturday in nothing but Crocs and said, Kristin, if you're so free and spiritual, go grow your own damn cucumbers... naked. And because I'm incapable of turning down a challenge that involves partial nudity and vegetables, I said, Hold my hoe.
Things escalated quickly.
One minute I'm casually planting basil in the buff with a cold beer tucked between my thighs for safekeeping, and the next I'm being investigated by the HOA for excessive pubic landscaping. I have sweat in places no irrigation system can reach. I've scared two children, three Mormons, and a UPS driver named Leo who now avoids eye contact and leaves my packages at the end of the driveway.
But here's the thing... I love it.
Being naked in the garden is primal. Raw. Fertile. (Not technically, I'm very much on birth control, but spiritually? Fertile as hell.) You dig, you sweat, you pull roots out of the ground like a goddess with lower back problems. There's dirt under your fingernails and your left boob is dangerously close to the cucumber vines but you don't care. Because you're alive.
Now, I didn't set out to become the neighborhood's naked garden witch. But after I accidentally flashed Old Man Harold during a compost turning and his wife brought me lemon bars the next day and whispered, We support your journey, I knew I was onto something.
This book isn't just about gardening. It's about freedom. Discovery. Soil, sweat, bugs in weird crevices, and cucumbers that make you question your own standards. It's about what happens when you mix personal growth with actual growth, and how sometimes, just sometimes, zucchini can become a metaphor for life, love, and possibly masturbation (we'll get there, Chapter 7 is a lot).
It's about learning to let go of shame.
To let the sunshine hit your buns.
To pick strawberries while bent over and not give a single damn that your neighbor's binoculars are fogging up.
This book contains stories. Lessons. Cautionary tales about bees and buttholes. And of course, appearances by the usual suspects:
Susan, who tried to plant mushrooms in her bra cups.
Tanya, who insists her ass has agricultural bounce.
Georgina and Jackson, who now host a weekly naked seed-swapping circle.
And Lansing? Oh, sweet baby angel, we'll get to that crusty old chapter in due time.
So go grab a towel (for sitting), some SPF (for parts unknown), a watering can (preferably not the one with ants in it), and let's get dirty together.
It's time to sow, sweat, and show your hoe.
Let's grow, bitch.
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