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Licence To Apologize: In His Majesty's Service, Except in Canada: The Complete, Corrected, and Officially Denied Case File of Biff Wellington, Agent 0
Paperback
Publisher: Independently Published
Published: Aug 12 2026
Pages: 88
Weight: 0.30
Height: 0.18 Width: 6.14 Depth: 9.21
Language: English
Licence to Apologize is a satirical spy novel following Biff Wellington, the senior field agent for the ultra-obscure Directorate of Adjacent Concerns-a secret intelligence unit operated quietly beneath an Ottawa curling rink. Designated on official paper only as the individual referenced in Annex C due to a mid-seventies metric conversion that assigned him the designation 00.7, Biff relies on low-key anonymity, a generic government lanyard, and a high-visibility vest to slip unnoticed through secure facilities.
The crisis begins when Lorne Cavendish, a billionaire expatriate, secretly purchases forty-two thousand barrels of Canada's strategic maple syrup reserve through a maze of shell companies. Cavendish plans to blow up the reserve on camera, frame a foreign adversary, and ignite a national outrage that will force the country to increase defense spending and abandon its polite posture.
While a suave operative from British intelligence attempts high-stakes tactical moves that backfire legally, Biff takes a distinctly administrative approach. After escaping a decommissioned nuclear bunker where he is subjected to the ultimate Canadian torture-listening to customer service hold music and loyalty program terms and conditions-Biff dismantles the plot entirely through paperwork.
By filing public beneficial ownership disclosures and submitting routine documentation to journalists, Biff proves that Cavendish lawfully owned the syrup all along. When the warehouse inevitably explodes, public reaction shifts from national tragedy to mild disinterest over a rich man's destroyed property, defusing the crisis before it can start.
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