Sign-In
Cart
Righthand book: Part 1
Paperback
Series: Black
Publisher: Independently Published
Published: Jul 2 2025
Pages: 32
Weight: 0.09
Height: 0.07 Width: 5.00 Depth: 8.00
Language: English
RIGHTHAND BOOK - THE UNAUTHORIZED GUIDE TO ABSURDITY
Congratulations. You've just purchased a book that doesn't belong on any shelf, unless that shelf is in a haunted restroom or your ex's basement. This isn't a story. This isn't even advice. It's a declaration of war against logic, structure, and the idea that books need to make sense.
This book is what happens when a man sits too long on the toilet, armed with soup, a used stapler, and unresolved Matrix trauma. Yes, we mention the Matrix. No, not your Matrix. The OTHER Matrix. The one that copyrighted names like Tank - a name that clearly belongs to military hardware and fish enthusiasts. So now, we claim your left and right hand as our intellectual property. You don't own your limbs anymore. We do. Welcome to the future. Welcome to page 3.
WHAT'S INSIDE?
- Ancient Mesopotamian letters translated by a guy who failed Latin.
- Financial advice worse than crypto. (Invest in invisible tape.)
- Philosophical riddles that contradict themselves mid-sentence.
- A chapter titled: How to Build a Time Machine with Duct Tape & Regret.
- And yes - a page with nothing on it. Because silence is powerful. Or lazy.
WRITTEN IN THE BATHROOM
Literally. The author locked himself in with a pen, a sandwich, and yelling children behind the door. Out came this sacred manuscript of confusion. It smells faintly of bleach and existential dread.
LEGAL & PSYCHOLOGICAL WARNING
This book may cause:
- Sudden belief in nonsense.
- Loss of job if read aloud in Zoom meetings.
- Disagreements with your partner over spending $9.99 on this.
- Long-term side effects including starting your own cult, tattooing soup cans on your back, and whispering to walls at 3AM.
- 99% chance you'll be institutionalized. That's fine. The author lives there too. You'll write the sequel together.
FAMILY SHAME INCLUDED
This book will rest for 100 years on your toilet. Guests will discover it. They will flip through pages and slowly realize: This family is not okay. Mission accomplished.
PRACTICAL USES
- Gift it to people you love but also want to confuse.
- Use it as a coaster for sad wine glasses.
- Read it aloud to your dog and blame it for your emotional collapse.
- Leave it in hotel rooms as a warning to future generations.
FINAL MESSAGE
Do not burn this book - the glossy ink may summon the tax demons of Chapter 5.
Do not recycle it - this book will survive the apocalypse and become a sacred text in 2341.
Do not take it seriously - unless you are the author, in which case... I'm sorry, Dimitry, it's too late for help.
WARNING (which you're not going to read anyway):
This book may cause permanent damage to your brain.
Chance you'll end up in an institution? Let's say 99%.
But don't worry - I'm already there.
We can co-write volume two together. There's coffee. Sometimes.
Risks of buying this book:
Serious fights with your partner:
You spent $9.99 on... THIS?Loss of social status:
Why is this book on your toilet next to 'Recipes for Pet Hair?'Irreversible addiction to useless information.
Horrified in-laws asking:
Is this satire? Or a cry for help?You didn't buy the talking picture frame for $9.99.
Don't cry, baby. Don't cry.
You bought this book instead. Mistake? Maybe. Maybe not.
We're all just little children inside,
pretending to be adults with coffee and car keys. Warning: This book contains adult-level nonsense, questionable anatomy references, and naked moments in a boat. Not suitable for children, school book reports, or serious philosophers.
Also from
Martens, Dimitry
Up and Down Stock: AI Fcuk with My Mind, No It Is Always Be Broken
Martens, Dimitry Martens
Martens, Dimitry
Paperback
The Complete Lyrics of Dimitry Martens (Vol. I): Volume I of the Blackseries Anthology
Martens, Dimitry
Paperback
Also in
General Drama
Freeing the Natural Voice: Imagery and Art in the Practice of Voice and Language (Revised & Expanded)
Linklater, Kristin
Paperback
Book Meets World: The Definitive Inside Story of the Hit Sitcom Boy Meets World
Fishel, Danielle
Strong, Rider
Friedle, Will
Hardcover
How to Succeed in Musical Theatre Without Really Dying: The Actor's Guide to Booking Work and Building a Career That Lasts
Oliver, Ryan Scott
Mendez, Lindsay
Paperback
Funny Business: The Old-School Wedding Crashers and Knocked-Up Virgins Who Changed Comedy Forever
Singer, Matt
Hardcover
The NEW Comedy Bible: The Ultimate Guide to Writing and Performing Stand-Up Comedy
Carter, Judy
Paperback
The Golden Girls Cookbook: More Than 90 Delectable Recipes from Blanche, Rose, Dorothy, and Sophia
Styler, Christopher
Hardcover
Drama Projects for the Middle School Classroom: A Collection of Theatre Activities for Young Actors
Young, Rebecca
Paperback
Essentials of Screenwriting: The Art, Craft, and Business of Film and Television Writing
Walter, Richard
Paperback
Drama Teacher's Survival Guide--Volume 2: Activities, Exercises, and Techniques for the Theatre Classroom
Johnson, Margaret F.
Paperback
Fawlty Towers: Fawlts and All: A 50th Anniversary Celebration of the Nation's Beloved Sitcom
Cleese, John
Hardcover
Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream for Kids: 3 Short Melodramatic Plays for 3 Group Sizes
Kelso, Brendan P.
Paperback
A Century of Music Under the Stars: A History of the Mann Center for the Performing Arts and Robin Hood Dell
The Mann Center for the Performing Arts
McCarthy, Jack
Hardcover
Scoundrels, Villains, & Knaves: Disneyland, Pirates of the Caribbean, and Popular Culture
Nolte, Foxx
Paperback
The Cool Ruler-The Incredible Life Story of Gregory Isaacs(Message, Missteps and Mastery of a Musical Maestro)
Price, Peter
Paperback
The Men Who Would Be King: An Almost Epic Tale of Moguls, Movies, and a Company Called DreamWorks
Laporte, Nicole
Paperback
An Introduction to the Art of Theatre--Student Text: A Comprehensive Text -- Past, Present, and Future
Cassady, Marsh
Paperback
Drama Teacher's Survival Guide--Volume 1: A Complete Handbook for Play Production
Johnson, Margaret F.
Paperback
Large Print Dot To Dot Book For Senior: 50 Large Print Easy Dot To Dot Nature Scenes, Flowers, Butterflies &, Animals, dinosaur, .. & Birds And More (
James S Wagner Dot Book House
Paperback
Live from New York: The Complete, Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live as Told by Its Stars, Writers, and Guests
Miller, James Andrew
Shales, Tom
Paperback
The Theatrical Adventures of Edward Gorey: Rare Drawings, Scripts, and Stories
Verburg, Carol
Hardcover
Rhinoceros and Other Plays: Includes: The Leader; The Future Is in Eggs; It Takes All Kinds to Make a World
Ionesco, Eugene
Paperback
The Official Rocky Horror Late Night Double Feature: The 50th Anniversary Two-Volume Collector's Edition
O'Brien, Richard
O'Brien, Linus
Hardcover
Champions for the Arts: Lessons and Successful Strategies for Engaging Diverse Audiences
Walker-Kuhne, Donna
Paperback
Period Costume for Stage & Screen: Patterns for Women's Dress, Medieval - 1500
Hunnisett, Jean
Paperback
The Comedy Bible Workbook: The Interactive Companion to "The New Comedy Bible"
Carter, Judy
Paperback