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Artura the Unseen: She Lifted the Sword, He Got the Throne
Paperback
Publisher: Independently Published
Published: Sep 1 2025
Pages: 580
Weight: 1.69
Height: 1.17 Width: 6.00 Depth: 9.00
Language: English
She lifted the sword. He got the throne. History has never been more confused.
Welcome to Camelot(ish), where legends are mostly lies, knights are mostly idiots, and destiny trips over a turnip and lands in the wrong hands entirely.
Artura of Mudfen is not a chosen one. She's a sharp-tongued, barrel-lugging, thoroughly unimpressed commoner who just wanted somewhere quiet to relieve herself in the woods. Instead, she accidentally yanks the mythical sword Escaluber from a stone-and accidentally witnesses her life spiraling into myth, monarchy, and mandatory armor fitting.
Enter Arthur, a golden-haired noble lad with the strategic instincts of a scone. When he sees Artura holding the sword, he assumes it's divine providence that he must be king. Naturally.
Artura, in a moment of poor judgment (and poorer wardrobe choices), dons his armor, slaps on a fake beard, and becomes the realm's greatest knight. Meanwhile, Arthur gets crowned and starts planning national feasts, heroic speeches, and possibly a goose parade.
Together, they form the most dysfunctional duo in royal history: he plays king, she plays bodyguard, and nobody plays it safe.
Throw in a prophet with no actual powers, a nun with muscles like siege engines, a goose with political ambitions, and a poet-spy with no sense of subtlety-and you have a tale of lies, love, and the absurdity of power wrapped in shining satire.
What You'll Find Inside This Book:
A sword that glows only for tax purposes
A royal advisor who lives in a barrel and yells at ducks
Mistaken identities so layered they require diagrams
A noblewoman in love with a knight who's actually a woman pretending to be a man pretending to be a knight
One terrifying falcon named Disapproval
Medieval feminism with steel gauntlets and sarcasm
Banquets featuring flaming pigs, accidental proposals, and diplomatic potatoes
Court trials, masked kisses, and a goose who runs for chancellor
The dumbest knight solving everything by falling on the right scroll
What Readers Are Saying (Probably):
I haven't laughed this hard since I tried jousting on a donkey.- Sir Boffrick the BluntAn absolute masterpiece of medieval mischief and royal ridiculousness.
- Lady Gwen, future Duchess of DisasterI was this close to solving it all. Again.
- Sir Scuttle of Cringecombe
Artura the Unseen is a heartwarming, hilarious epic for fans of Terry Pratchett, The Princess Bride, Monty Python, and anyone who's ever wondered what would happen if the true hero of Camelot didn't get the throne... but did get the last word.
In the end, this is a tale of:
✔️ One woman's accidental rise to legend
✔️ A kingdom ruled by farce
✔️ And a sword that, frankly, has had enough of everyone.
Because sometimes, the best person to rule the realm... is the one smart enough not to want the job in the first place.
Camelot will never be the same.
(And neither will the laundry room.)
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