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What NOT to do When ALIENS INVADE
Paperback
HumorScience FictionGeneral Fiction
Publisher: Independently Published
Published: Apr 28 2026
Pages: 376
Weight: 1.11
Height: 0.78 Width: 6.00 Depth: 9.00
Language: English
They came from the stars. He came from the kitchen. When aliens invade Earth, most people panic, hide, or attempt to save humanity. This book is not for those people. This is a survival guide written by someone who is absolutely convinced they handled the invasion correctly, despite overwhelming evidence that they made everything worse at every possible step. From trying to befriend the invaders using discounted digestive biscuits to accidentally starting an intergalactic war over a Wi Fi password misunderstanding, this guide walks readers through exactly what not to do by confidently insisting you should definitely do it.
Meet the narrator. Wildly overconfident. Deeply unqualified. Armed with a tea mug, a pith helmet, and a phrasebook that translates alien sounds into whatever meaning suits him best. Meet Gary, the neighbor who keeps doing the correct thing and surviving, which the narrator sees as suspicious and cowardly. Watch as a simple first contact escalates from minor misunderstandings to full blown planetary disaster, with cities falling, governments collapsing, and reality itself beginning to glitch. Through it all, the narrator remains unwaveringly proud, reframing every catastrophe as a strategic success.
Told in a fast paced, absurdly calm survival guide style, this book delivers nonstop comedy through the beautiful contrast between what the narrator believes is happening and what is actually happening. Each chapter increases the scale from house to city to planet to galaxy, while the narrator's confidence somehow grows with every failure. Running jokes include the repeated insistence that every disaster is part of the plan, the ongoing saga of Gary's correct survival strategies, and a phrasebook that causes more problems than it solves.
Perfect for anyone who has ever wondered what would happen if the least qualified person in the room somehow ended up in charge of intergalactic diplomacy. This is a comedy sci fi novel about biscuits, bad decisions, and the unshakeable belief that everything is going perfectly right up until the moment reality collapses. The tea is hot. The hat is sequined. The aliens are very confused. And somewhere in orbit, Gary is writing a very long list of everything that went wrong.
BONUS MATERIAL: This Book Also includes: - What NOT to do during a ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE and What NOT to Do When TIME TRAVEL Goes WrongAlso from
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