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Teleport to Waffle House (Large Print Edition)
Paperback
Publisher: Syphon Creative
Published: Aug 5 2026
Pages: 404
Weight: 1.19
Height: 0.90 Width: 6.00 Depth: 9.00
Language: English
Representative is a rising star in the Grand Old Party. He has a firm handshake, a pristine hair sweep, and an ironclad commitment to traditional values, deregulating small businesses, and crushing the radical agenda.
Then came the Low-Tax Liberty Rally at the Austin Marriott.
After accidentally mistaking his host's high-potency mushroom edibles for artisanal, liberty-themed breath mints, Vance suffers a complete reality collapse. When he stumbles out of his limo and through a pair of double-glass doors, he believes he has been bio-transported across the cosmos to Sector 9: The Intergalactic Trading Outpost.
In reality, he has just walked into the Waffle House on Highway 290 at 2:15 AM on a Sunday.
Armed with nothing but his Congressional pin and an unshakeable belief in American Exceptionalism, Vance navigates what he perceives to be a high-stakes, multi-species diplomatic crisis:
- The High Priestess of the Batter: A night-shift cook named Brenda, who Vance believes controls the ancient, bubbling plasma-furnaces of the station (the commercial waffle irons).
- The Slime-X Cyclops: A linebacker in a stained tank top taking advantage of free coffee refills, whom Vance mistakes for a hostile alien warlord capable of telepathic intimidation.
- The Dreaded Neon Oracle: A glowing jukebox blaring Kenny Chesney, which Vance interprets as a deep-space communications array receiving encrypted alien signals.
As Vance attempts to draft a bilateral trade agreement for a All-Star Special-offering tax incentives in exchange for passage back to Earth-the locals just assume he's another high-functioning fraternity kid or an exceptionally well-dressed local eccentric.
Part Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, part political satire, it is a hilarious, zero-gravity fever dream about what happens when Washington hubris meets grease, grit, and 24/7 hashbrowns.
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