Open Daily: 10am - 10pm | Alley door pickup 10am - 7pm 3038 Hennepin Ave Minneapolis, MN
612-822-4611

  • Open Daily: 10am - 10pm
    Alley-side Pickup: 10am - 7pm

    3038 Hennepin Ave Minneapolis, MN
    612-822-4611

Open Daily: 10am - 10pm | Alley-side Pickup: 10am - 7pm
3038 Hennepin Ave Minneapolis, MN
612-822-4611
Acts and Offences: Opinion, 2017-2020

Acts and Offences: Opinion, 2017-2020

Patterson, Grant

Paperback

Humor

ISBN13: 9798668999361
Publisher: Independently Published
Published: Jul 25 2020
Pages: 308
Weight: 1.00
Height: 0.69 Width: 6.00 Depth: 9.00
Language: English
On Surviving COVID-19: But, once faced with the possibility of domestic units sealed up together for an indefinite time without liquor, and what potential horrors this might bring, we all silently, and maturely decided to admit to ourselves that the majority of the population are functioning alcoholics.

On Law Enforcement: I have run blindly into any number of pre-fucked situations, sometimes to save people I cared about very much, other times to save people I didn't much care for. But they wore the uniform and did the job. So, if they called for help, I went. That's the deal. We can take pride in Kenny Lam's actions. I know I do. But please, let's not use it to bolster our already insufferable sense of moral superiority over our American neighbours. Remember, the Parliament Hill shooter had 31 bullet holes in him. They were there because they needed to be to stop the threat. The Toronto attacker has zero. Because he didn't need any.

On Space Exploration: Too expensive? Please. We spend more on take-out pizza on this planet, every year, than we would on outfitting a Martian colony. More people have died playing at autoerotic asphyxiation than have died slipping the surly bonds of earth.

On Ricky Gervais' After Life After Life postulates not the kind of afterlife we want, but the kind we're going to get. We'll leave a smoking crater in the lives of the people we love. One they'll have to navigate around or fill in. For those of us left, it's a slow struggle between despair and 'life goes on.' Sorry to say, ladies and gents, that's as much of an afterlife as we're going to get.

On the Death of Anthony Bourdain: I should explain my complicated relationship with Tony. It's a 'relationship' in the sense that John Hinckley had a 'relationship' with Jodie Foster. I never met the man, but it sure seemed like he was talking to me. Get up, go out, do something. Try something new. Travel, eat, live. Don't be afraid.

On a Visit to an Orthodox Jewish Synagogue: It occurred to me that I feel about as comfortable in a house of worship, any house of worship, as I do wearing sandpaper boxer briefs. I have squirmed in a mosque. I have squirmed in both Catholic and Protestant churches. Now, it was my turn to squirm in the House of Abraham.

On Modern Travel: First, and still the most glaring issue for an oversized product of saturated fats and alcohol such as myself: there is no fucking room on these planes. I really cannot stress that enough. It's so bad in economy that I actually heard one of the cabin crew make an announcement over the intercom: If you drop your cellphone on the floor, don't try and pick it up yourself. Get a flight attendant to help you.

On Why Canada is Better: We still, largely, remember how to keep things civil. You folks down south could learn a few things. None of our Prime Ministers have ever been assassinated. And the last time somebody tried, the Mounties shot the living shit out of him.

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